It Gets Better, Right?

Ugh...FML...over and over and over.  It seems to be a never ending cycle.  Things will be good...very good and then my whole world is turned upside down.  Things had been going my way which I was thankful for because I've had a pretty rough past few years.  I haven't felt settled in a long time.  I got hired on at OEG as a full time employee with a substantial raise.  Things with HH were beyond amazing.  Then, as per usual my whole world is turned upside down.  In a matter of 24 hours my whole life changed once again.  Even though this time I didn't have a bunch of major changes happen like losing a job and my house in less than 24 hours it doesn't mean that the changes are any easier.  Yes, that was a difficult time to go through, but I fought through it.  I had some very dark times, I am not ashamed to admit.  I'm having dark times again.  Emotional distress is hard on me.  I haven't really eaten much in the past few days.  Miss Kitty and The Italian Stallion make sure I eat when I'm home but other than that it's coffee and water at the office.  I'm not sleeping unless I take massive doses of melatonin and I pretty much down a bottle of wine, if not more each night once I get home to help dull the pain.

Saturday I pretty much slept all day.  If I wasn't sleeping I was still in my bed except when I got up to let Dogface outside.  Other than that, my bed was my little bubble of comfort.  Sunday I actually forced myself out of bed and did some retail therapy.  I found my Maid of Honor dress for TB's wedding, but I want to lose some weight before I have to actually wear it.  It's not a very big dress.  Black, one shouldered, form fitted and short.  I'm really glad I have something to look forward to in the next few weeks.  The trip to Reno will be a good distraction for me.  I'm sure I will be Drunky Drunkerton the whole time I'm there, but it will be fun nonetheless.  After I found my dress I spent the rest of the afternoon and the majority of the evening with my TB.  It was some much needed Sissy time.  She fed me lots of wine and forced me to eat something.  We haven't really spent much time together lately so it was really nice to have her to myself for a few hours and just talk.  She has always been able to soothe me when I'm upset.

Monday was a whole new ballgame.  I woke up at 410 before my alarm went off and was wide awake, panic stricken and riddled with anxiety.  I don't know if it was because I had to get out of my pit of despair and haul my butt to work while trying to pretend everything is OK and actually function or what.  I spent the majority of the day crying and hiding in my cube.  It sucked to say the least.  Last night Miss Kitty came home and I was in my bed laying with Dogface and so I got up and decided to hang with her for a bit.  She made sauteed brussel sprouts and I ate some of those.  I think that's the only thing I ate yesterday.  I obviously spent some time writing as I posted a short blog and a poem last night.  I think that helped also.  Part of the reason I am sitting here now tapping away at the laptop.  It gets better, right?  It HAS to get better.

Today was a little easier.  I still woke up before my alarm went off and had an anxiety attack, but I was beyond tired.  I kept snoozing my alarm. I don't think I got up until after 5 AM which is very unusual for me.  Work was a little better today.  I had less tears and was able to get all of my CTC's back entered except for 2 and that is only because I'm waiting on them from my PM.  I drank water and coffee but didn't eat.  Right now while I am posting this blog Miss Kitty is preparing a salad with homemade garlic croutons and I am being the grill queen and have some chicken going.  It should be done any minute...

Yep. That was yummy.  Add inordinate amounts of wine to the mix and pretty much anything is good when I haven't eaten all day.  Since I want to lose weight for the wedding I'm not complaining.

I am still consumed by thoughts of what is missing in my life.  I don't ever stop thinking about them.  I know I'm pretty vague in these posts and that is because most of the people reading them know about it already because they are my closest friends.  I'm also vague because writing about the harsh reality in less detail is a little easier for me.  What's hardest is that it's not just one person I miss...it's three and another Dogface.  Three people who have changed my life in so many positive ways.  Something I didn't see coming or never expected.  But those always seem to be the best surprises in life.  I'm not complaining, I just hope that I get to again, be with those three people and continue the path we started.  I don't think we are going to be able to pick up where we left off.  I think we are all going to change from the experiences we have while we're apart.  I can't expect that it's going to be the same...just as it was before.  I hope it is, but a part of me tells me knows it will never be the same.  That I need to let go of what WAS, and just hope that it can BE again.  What comes after that is up to all of us.  To build, trust, love, laugh and hope for the best...together again.  That's all I hope, pray and dream for right now.  It's the only thing keeping me going...it's all I have right now.

 

The Storm

 WARNING:  EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL BLOGPOST AHEAD.  SOME MAY WANT TO DELETE BEFORE READING.

I should write.  I need to write, but I am unable to.  There is too much in my head.  Too many doubts, fears and uncertainties.  What I really need to do is write a poem.  I need some sort of a release.  Writing poetry, especially when I am this disconcerted, usually flows from me without any effort.  I think within the next few days a poem will be surfacing in my blog.  It's been a while since I've written anything at all.  I started writing this post and then decided to write a poem.  Here's the latest and greatest from the sullen world of Shel.

 The Storm

You hit me by surprise,

You sauntered right in,

I had no idea,

What was about to begin.

The storm that was you,

Consumed my heart,

I had no idea it would become,

An amazing work of art.

Your eyes like the ocean,

Seeing right through me,

Carrying me away,

On a blissful, torrential sea.

I was washed into the ocean,

Without any hesitation,

My mind and heart filled,

With complete elation.

I sailed on the waves,

I became one with the sea,

Not caring to know,

Where it was going to lead.

I embraced the waves,

I became one with the tide,

Just flowing along,

On this sweet, blissful ride.

The waves ebbed and flowed,

The sun shined bright,

There was no doubt,

Everything was right.

Then came some rain,

The waves grew,

I had no idea,

The storm that was about to brew.

The rain came and left,

The swells faded low,

Yet I was completely blinded,

By the ebb and the flow.

I sailed on seas of ecstasy,

The warm ocean filling my soul,

Completely surprised,

When ending stranded on an atoll.

The skies opened up,

A stinging rain began to fall,

Blinded,

By the fierce, blowing squall.

Not knowing where to swim,

Starting to drown,

By the ocean’s fury,

Dragging me down.

The storm rages on,

The seas continue to churn,

Will it ever subside,

Or continue to burn?

I am one with the storm,

I am stranded, lost and alone,

Is this to become,

My new, lonely home?

I will build a shelter,

Hide from the pain,

But watch the storm,

Becoming one with the rain.

This storm rages on,

For how long, I don’t know,

But I refuse to let it,

Stifle my glow.

It may be dark and dreary,

The winds blow without a care,

I drown it all out,

With the sounds of my prayers.

I will persevere,

I will fly to the shore,

I will grow wings,

Like a Seagull I will soar.

August 27, 2012