...When We Laugh or Cry, We Do It As One...

AC - 8.1.2008

Today's blog post is going to be short and sweet because I spent the majority of the night turning myself back into a blonde and I am tired and ready for bed.  However, I feel the need to keep the positive vibes going in my blog posts.  This post is going to be a complete blast from the past with pics of me and my TB because I cannot express with words how much I miss her right now. I am super excited to get to spend the night with her on Friday. I feel the need to try and put into words how I feel about her. TB, here is your warning...get a tissue! :) I tried once to articulate how I feel about her, and this was the outcome, written just over three years ago on March 11th, 2009:

What’s Really Important

These last few years have been exponential for me as far as emotional and spiritual growth. So much so, that I want to share some things that have been on my mind lately. Things that five years ago never even really even crossed my mind because I was too busy to slow down and realize that every day that I wake up is another gift at this awful, beautiful life.

Over the past few years I have realized that people and the relationships you maintain with them are the most important part of life. If you take away the people you love all that is left are material things. Things that don’t fulfill me in any way emotionally as they are things that can always be replaced. My friends and family however, can never be replaced. These relationships, I have come to learn, are worth every second of time and effort that I put into them. Not only that, but I am rewarded many times over for the time I do spend working on them.

Bar 84 - 10.17.08

It’s the simple things in life that never cease to amaze me, those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. The moments that I look back on and all I feel is warmth, love and happiness. There is one person that has been a very big part of me for a very long time. Someone I trust my life with. I share everything with her, without any fear or doubt that she may judge or criticize because maybe she doesn’t agree with me. Someone who loves me unconditionally no matter how stubborn I might be and she isn’t afraid to tell me so. Someone who walks the path of life with me and holds my hand rather than running ahead and leaving me behind. Someone who always has her umbrella ready just in case a storm arrives on my horizon. Someone who builds me up not breaks me down. I was with this friend last night, who means more to me than I can even express with words. We are both struggling with emotional conflict right now and are there for each other, no matter what that means.

Tiger Bar - 9.5.2009

Last night we spent some much needed time together. Her just being there soothed a part of me that has been crying silently for help. A part of me that I try my hardest to hide from the outside world. The part that just HURTS and there isn’t anything you can do about it except hope and pray that time will heal your wounds. Which I have learned, time cannot do. “Love, not time heals all wounds.” Just because I have a smile on the outside, doesn’t mean my heart isn’t carrying a frown. I didn’t even have to say anything to her; she can look at me and know what is troubling me, she sees right into me, she always has. Which brings me to one of my favorite sayings: “Everyone HEARS what you say. Friends LISTEN to what you say. Best friends listen to what you DON’T say.” We have that bond, an unspoken language, if you will. There are times that we don’t even need to speak. Just being there and knowing that no matter what happens on this earth, we will still have each other. That’s enough for us. "Sometimes the best kind of friend is one who you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word and then walk away feeling as if it was the best conversation you’ve ever had." She and I have that connection with each other, which is something that never ceases to amaze me. She is one of the few people on this earth that I know I can count on, unconditionally to be there for me when I need her and it is reciprocated from me to her.

St. Paul Rodeo - July 3, 2010

This woman fulfills me in ways I never could have imagined. She is my angel, my sister, my soul mate. She is my hope as well as my dreams. She is everything that I am not, nor could I ever be. Where she ends, I begin. We are complete opposites, yet one in the same. We are one soul dwelling in two bodies. What she is afraid to say out loud, I scream from the rooftops. What I fear, she faces. When she falls, I pick her up. When I crawl, she drags me back up to my feet. What I feel, she senses. Yet when we laugh or cry, we do it as one.

T, I love you more than I can describe with words. You aren’t just my friend, you are my angel, my sister, my love, my life, my air…and you always will be.

Twilight Room - 5.14.2010

Quote of the Day: A best friend is a sister that destiny forgot to give you.

Repeated Random GOOD Life Lesson # 129 (because it's about my TB): You will have one of the best times of your life with your best friend on a random Tuesday night drinking wine, talking, laughing, crying and drunk facebooking. It will remind you for days, of one of your many favorite quotes: “I always knew we’d look back on our tears and laugh, but I never thought we’d look back on our laughter and cry.”

...Double Dose of Goodness...

Pile O' Girls on Bad Girlfriend 4th of July Weekend 2011

So…it’s been a few days since I’ve written and that’s bad…but the reason I haven’t is because things have been going stellar!  I have the urge to write the most when I’m in a state of discontent.  When I’m happy and things are going smooth, not to mention that the weather has been AH-MAZING, I tend to be bad about updating because there are things to do, people to see and sunshine to play in!  Today’s post is going to be positive and I’m SUPER STOKED about that!  Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and yesterday were all awesome days, even though I’m still fighting this icky cold.  So far today, I have been ROCKING IT at Office so I’m still just a happy, smiley chicky.  Not much to complain about right now except for a dull headache.  But I refuse to let it adversely affect my joy!  

Friday ROCKED at Office.  Training went well, I didn’t have to deal with Worthless much and when I did it was actually pleasant.  Since I woke up Friday AM with a cold I decided to pass on Girls Night at Duke’s which ended up working out in my favor since there was some drama that transgressed.  It’s a good thing I didn’t go, because things probably would have turned out even worse for those involved.  All I have to say is don’t offend my friends.  Jealous, young and immature is a BAD combination.  I digress; I ended up staying home and drinking some wine.  Laughed my ass off with The Italian Stallion and Miss Kitty and went to bed early. 

New Bikini!

I woke up Saturday morning still feeling icky, but decided to kick Saturday in the ass anyway.  I made dippy eggs (over medium so there is yolk to dip my toast in, thus the name.  TOTAL Shelism) with sourdough toast & coffee for breakfast and then got ready slowly.  I hit the mall and bought 2 new bikinis, which I completely love, BTW.  One of them is orange, my favorite color…and I decided to post this self portrait from lying out on the deck on Saturday because I love the way it turned out and I am apparently feeling narcissistic, LOL.  The other is a gray leopard print with ruffles and bright turquoise trim, can’t wait to rock them both this summer on Bad Girlfriend!  Then I went to Damascus to get the rest of my stuff that PL & Creeper were nice enough to let me store at their place for a minute.  Saturday was in the 80’s; I was sick, sniffly, sweaty & grumpy having to move more crap.  No bueno.  I went home and refused to unpack my truck because it was nice out and I didn’t want to do anymore work.  So, I busted out my new orange bikini and decided to get some sun.  Then, we decided to BBQ.  The Italian Stallion and I made a run up to Battleground Produce and got a marinated tri-tip and fresh veggies.  Then His Hotness came over.  Yummy, on all fronts…the food and him.  Pleasant sigh.  ;)  We made margaritas, had fresh salsa and chips for appetizers while I prepared the potatoes, carrots and parsnips for roasting and just hung out.  Then Miss Kitty made a fresh salad to go with it, we busted out a nice bottle of wine and dined El Fresco.  It was pretty much a perfect day. :)

Dance Party on Bad Girlfriend @ Govy - 4th of July Weekend 2011

Sunday it was hotter than shit outside. I got up around 630 AM, (WTF?! 630 wakeups on a Sunday is not only abnormal for me but just SHOULD.NOT.HAPPEN) and made breakfast and coffee for us and then HH (I may start abbreviating that for future reference) headed back home. I sat outside and gave myself a pedicure. Rocking the black sparkly French manicured toes right now, LOVE IT! Then I decided to add more blonde to my hair since summer seems to be rapidly approaching.  I added quite a bit more blonde, but in the next few days and weeks I will be adding more.  Time to go back to being a blonde baby, I miss it, even if it does fry my hair.  So, I spent most of the day doing girly things, then headed North to Woodland to meet up with HH and have Mexican for dinner.  The Italian Stallion and Miss Kitty had been out on the Harley riding so they met up with us too.  Once again, amazing food, drinks and amazing company.  This weekend was simply sensational, to put it mildly…that’s all I have to say about that.  :)

Yesterday at office was mostly data entry of time cards and change requests.  I’m a freak though, I love data entry.  I got what I needed done and left feeling awesome about what I had accomplished.  :)  Yay!  Then to top it off, traffic wasn’t half bad either!  I didn’t sleep well Sunday night so I got home, cleaned the kitchen and went upstairs to lounge in bed and catch up on some DVR’d shows.  I thought I would end up passing out early, but I didn’t so I got up and made a grilled ham and cheese and sat outside with TIS & MK for a bit, also probably abbreviated from here on out as I get tired of typing The Italian Stallion and Miss Kitty over and over.  I had a half a glass of wine and then went back to bed.  Once again, thought I would pass out early but I started watching Ridiculousness and was cracking the fuck up.  I was laughing so hard at one point that I was crying.  Then I made TIS and MK come watch it and they laid in my big ass bed with me for a bit and watched, both laughing just as hard as I was.  Good times!!!

Redneck Yacht Club Tie Up @ Govy - 4th of July Weekend 2011

So far today has been full of more time card entry and I am still happy.  I absolutely love working here, and love even more that we have an espresso machine.  I’m on my 3^rd espresso of the day today.  I COMPLETELY needed it since I stayed up till almost 1130 talking to HH last night and am running on about 5 hours of sleep right now.  He had me cracking the fuck up also.  Apparently I’m just giggly and giddy when I’m happy and talking to him.  Not complaining.  :)  And how about that?! I just got a double dose of goodness from my iPod on shuffle.  It started playing a song that not only reminds me of HH, but seems COMPLETELY fitting for this blog post. “Will you guide me now for I can't see a reason for the suffering and this long misery?  What if every living soul could be upright and strong? Well then I do imagine…There will be, sorrow.  Yeah there will be, sorrow.  And there will be sorrow, no more.”  Sorrow by Bad Religion for anyone reading this post who didn’t know that by reading the lyrics…if you haven’t heard it, you should!  My guess is that His Hotness is completely smiling now while he reads this part.  Hee hee. 

The only thing, and most important, that's been missing in my life lately is my TB.  We now live quite a ways apart and I.FUCKING.HATE.IT.  I'm used to spending inordinate amounts of time with her and it seems like lately all we do is play catch up every few weeks.  I MISS MY SISSY!  We need to go get our tattoo's soon...even more so now so that I can look down on my wrist and think of her daily...not that I don't think of her on a daily basis.  She's a permanent fixture in my life.  I think about her every day.  I pray for her every day.  For her well being, her happiness, perseverance and general well being.  I wish her everything in life that she's ever wanted.  More so for her than any other person in my life.  She has been there for me more than anyone else, besides my Mommy.  I won't give her up for anything.  I've said it before but she means more to me than the air that I breathe.  She is one of the people who have ALWAYS been there to pick me up when I fall.  For that, among other things, I can never thank her enough.  All I can do is hope that someday I can or have been able to return the favor.  I LOVE YOU SISSY!  I can't fucking wait for our girly night on Friday!!!

So, here’s to a break in the depressing, angry and sullen blog posts.  Gotta break up the monotony with some happy schtuff, I just hope the trend continues.  WOO FUCKING HOO!  Lovin’ it, let’s keep these good times rolling!  Now, it’s lunch time and I MUST.HAVE.A.DORITOS.TACO!  Oh, happy days how I heart you!

Today's photo's are brought you you by Boating Season 2011, with the exception of my narcissist pic.  :)

Quote of the Day:  I’m sick of following my dreams…I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later!

Bad Girlfriend's Flag

Random Life Lesson #18:  The darkness and sorrow will pass.  As much as it hurts and can be depressing…embrace it.  Because when you emerge from that dark tunnel on the other side…it will be full of sunshine and laughter.  You will persevere, build character and strength and be a much better person because of it.  Keep your head up to the sky and keep moving, no matter what.  Things always have a way of working themselves out, no matter how dire it may seem.

PS – Ha ha, my positivity is almost sickening to myself.  It doesn’t get much better than that!

Falling...Hard and Fast...

"I should build my roads on today, because tomorrow's grounds are too uncertain for plans."  There has been too much negativity in my life lately.  It seems to be a recurring theme in my blog and I don't like it one bit.  I'm tired of writing about all of the things in my life that are difficult.  I'd love to be able to write about the things that make me immensely happy and keep my spirits lifted.  Right now I want to just crawl in my bed and sleep for days.  So, this post will be littered with some of my favorite quotes that have always helped me to see a situation for what it is and/or lift my spirits. "All of the bad things in life are like alarm clocks.  You've just gotta shut them off and get back up."  Work is starting to feel like it was at The Devil Company.  The past few days have been difficult and when I leave there I feel like a failure.  It's very trying on me emotionally.  I'm not inept, I'm capable and smart. When I'm taught how to do something incorrectly and then follow suit when left to my own devices and are then promptly yelled at for something I did the way I was told, is EXTREMELY frustrating and draining.  Also, to have someone who is supposed to SHOW me what I did wrong and then correct it before submitting to BPA, but doesn't check the work and doesn't show me what I did wrong, is again extremely frustrating and draining. "You shouldn't compare yourself to the best that others can do, but to the best that you can do."

"It's not what you look at that matters...it's what you see."  Moving on from the frustration that is currently work to something else that is weighing on me heavily lately.  I'm in a situation that is complicated and I referenced this situation the other day. "Writing as well as talking can ease emotional pains."  At first I just tried not to let it bother me, but unfortunately my feelings have grown and it's not as easy to just let it go and walk away anymore.  I think, no...I know, I'm falling...hard and fast.  In both contexts, my feelings for him as well as my emotional health and sanity.  I have a tendency to over think, over analyze and dwell on things that are out of my control.  This situation is completely out of my control and so is therefore driving me completely insane.  Today is the first day that I really thought about it ALL.FUCKING.DAY.LONG and by the end of the day I just wanted it to all go away.  "The stars are constantly shining, but often we don't see them until the darkest of hours."  I don't want to think about it anymore, I want it to just magically work itself out.  Especially because this person stirs feelings in me that I haven't felt in a long time.  The can't stop smiling, butterflies when I know I'm going to see him, giddy & immensely happy feeling.  Those things are wonderful and I should embrace them instead of pushing them away.  "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to really live."  Yet, since this situation is out of my control, my instinct is to run from my feelings.  It's the fight or flight instinct and usually I fight, but for some reason this one hits me with the flight instinct.  I don't know why, which frustrates me even more.  Especially because I don't want to run away, I want to keep falling deeper into the bliss that is him.  I know I'm afraid of what I feel, but why I want to run from it instead of screaming it from the rooftops (as per normal...wait...gotta go off on a tangent because I think I just figured part of it out when I wrote that.  Normally I would want to scream how I feel about a person from the rooftops but I can't in this situation for MANY reasons.  On his end of things and mine...which once again just FUCKING COMPLICATES IT EVEN MORE.  RARGH!) is a completely new perspective for me.  "Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is.  The way you deal with it is what makes the difference."  There are so many variables to it...it's just...difficult.   So, now I'm at an impasse...every reaction I would usually have in a situation like this is the complete opposite for me now.   Once again, adding to my frustration and confusion.  "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for." Plus, since work has me drained emotionally, I'm not thinking clearly.  I know very well how I work.  I can't be rational when I'm emotional.  I need to try and take a step back and see the situation for what it really is, process it and make a decision.  So, why is that so hard for me to do?  Why have I never been able to take my own advice?  "The most important trip you may ever take in life is meeting people halfway." 

Ugh, I'm so drained and tired that I don't even have the energy to put pics in this post or keep writing, which is something that has always helped me.  So...with that said I'm just going to post one picture that My Butterfly took of me when I was in a very similar state of mind.  We were on our way back to the dock at Chinook after a LONG day of drinking and boating and I was on the back of the boat on the lounger all bundled up in my hoodie watching the sunset and just contemplating what I had been going through.  Also, I'm going to post one of my favorite poems I've ever written.  It very much suits how I feel right now.  Then, I'm going to take this bottle of wine up to bed with me and watch Revenge.  FUCK.THIS.SHIT. 


I will end my emotional rant with this statement, because once again writing has given me a new clarity on an immensely difficult situation...I'm not giving up yet, I REFUSE to give up.  People like him who illicit feelings in me like this are few and far between.  I'm going to embrace it.  The fear, the butterflies, the frustration, the giddiness...all of it. I refuse to give that up right now.

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition.  Giving up is what makes it permanent."  

Boating on the Columbia - August 2008

The Puzzle

There they sit,

The puzzle pieces on the floor,

I’m determined to pick them up,

I’ve done it many times before.

It’s a sunny day,

But a dense fog runs through my mind,

I see only darkness,

Emotions confined.

I pick up a piece,

Wondering where it belongs,

Does it go with the rights,

Or fit in with the wrongs?

I can only try my hardest,

To match the shapes on the floor,

And work my way forward,

Each piece adding more.

I finally find a match,

But it seems such a small piece,

Yet it gives me some hope,

That these struggles may cease.

I work my way through,

This puzzle we call life,

I’m driven to succeed,

To put an end to the strife.

Just when I think I’m getting close,

To seeing the puzzle as one,

More pieces fall to the floor,

I’ve barely even begun.

The puzzle will never be complete,

As long as I keep moving on,

I will keep adding pieces,

Until they are all gone.

I hope to one day see,

Where all of this may lead,

The Puzzle of Life,

A metaphor, indeed.