10 May 2012

Falling...Hard and Fast...

"I should build my roads on today, because tomorrow's grounds are too uncertain for plans."  There has been too much negativity in my life lately.  It seems to be a recurring theme in my blog and I don't like it one bit.  I'm tired of writing about all of the things in my life that are difficult.  I'd love to be able to write about the things that make me immensely happy and keep my spirits lifted.  Right now I want to just crawl in my bed and sleep for days.  So, this post will be littered with some of my favorite quotes that have always helped me to see a situation for what it is and/or lift my spirits. "All of the bad things in life are like alarm clocks.  You've just gotta shut them off and get back up."  Work is starting to feel like it was at The Devil Company.  The past few days have been difficult and when I leave there I feel like a failure.  It's very trying on me emotionally.  I'm not inept, I'm capable and smart. When I'm taught how to do something incorrectly and then follow suit when left to my own devices and are then promptly yelled at for something I did the way I was told, is EXTREMELY frustrating and draining.  Also, to have someone who is supposed to SHOW me what I did wrong and then correct it before submitting to BPA, but doesn't check the work and doesn't show me what I did wrong, is again extremely frustrating and draining. "You shouldn't compare yourself to the best that others can do, but to the best that you can do."

"It's not what you look at that matters...it's what you see."  Moving on from the frustration that is currently work to something else that is weighing on me heavily lately.  I'm in a situation that is complicated and I referenced this situation the other day. "Writing as well as talking can ease emotional pains."  At first I just tried not to let it bother me, but unfortunately my feelings have grown and it's not as easy to just let it go and walk away anymore.  I think, no...I know, I'm falling...hard and fast.  In both contexts, my feelings for him as well as my emotional health and sanity.  I have a tendency to over think, over analyze and dwell on things that are out of my control.  This situation is completely out of my control and so is therefore driving me completely insane.  Today is the first day that I really thought about it ALL.FUCKING.DAY.LONG and by the end of the day I just wanted it to all go away.  "The stars are constantly shining, but often we don't see them until the darkest of hours."  I don't want to think about it anymore, I want it to just magically work itself out.  Especially because this person stirs feelings in me that I haven't felt in a long time.  The can't stop smiling, butterflies when I know I'm going to see him, giddy & immensely happy feeling.  Those things are wonderful and I should embrace them instead of pushing them away.  "Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to really live."  Yet, since this situation is out of my control, my instinct is to run from my feelings.  It's the fight or flight instinct and usually I fight, but for some reason this one hits me with the flight instinct.  I don't know why, which frustrates me even more.  Especially because I don't want to run away, I want to keep falling deeper into the bliss that is him.  I know I'm afraid of what I feel, but why I want to run from it instead of screaming it from the rooftops (as per normal...wait...gotta go off on a tangent because I think I just figured part of it out when I wrote that.  Normally I would want to scream how I feel about a person from the rooftops but I can't in this situation for MANY reasons.  On his end of things and mine...which once again just FUCKING COMPLICATES IT EVEN MORE.  RARGH!) is a completely new perspective for me.  "Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is.  The way you deal with it is what makes the difference."  There are so many variables to it...it's just...difficult.   So, now I'm at an impasse...every reaction I would usually have in a situation like this is the complete opposite for me now.   Once again, adding to my frustration and confusion.  "Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for." Plus, since work has me drained emotionally, I'm not thinking clearly.  I know very well how I work.  I can't be rational when I'm emotional.  I need to try and take a step back and see the situation for what it really is, process it and make a decision.  So, why is that so hard for me to do?  Why have I never been able to take my own advice?  "The most important trip you may ever take in life is meeting people halfway." 

Ugh, I'm so drained and tired that I don't even have the energy to put pics in this post or keep writing, which is something that has always helped me.  So...with that said I'm just going to post one picture that My Butterfly took of me when I was in a very similar state of mind.  We were on our way back to the dock at Chinook after a LONG day of drinking and boating and I was on the back of the boat on the lounger all bundled up in my hoodie watching the sunset and just contemplating what I had been going through.  Also, I'm going to post one of my favorite poems I've ever written.  It very much suits how I feel right now.  Then, I'm going to take this bottle of wine up to bed with me and watch Revenge.  FUCK.THIS.SHIT. 

I will end my emotional rant with this statement, because once again writing has given me a new clarity on an immensely difficult situation...I'm not giving up yet, I REFUSE to give up.  People like him who illicit feelings in me like this are few and far between.  I'm going to embrace it.  The fear, the butterflies, the frustration, the giddiness...all of it. I refuse to give that up right now.

"Being defeated is often a temporary condition.  Giving up is what makes it permanent."  
Boating on the Columbia - August 2008

The Puzzle

There they sit,
The puzzle pieces on the floor,
I’m determined to pick them up,
I’ve done it many times before.

It’s a sunny day,
But a dense fog runs through my mind,
I see only darkness,
Emotions confined.

I pick up a piece,
Wondering where it belongs,
Does it go with the rights,
Or fit in with the wrongs?

I can only try my hardest,
To match the shapes on the floor,
And work my way forward,
Each piece adding more.

I finally find a match,
But it seems such a small piece,
Yet it gives me some hope,
That these struggles may cease.

I work my way through,
This puzzle we call life,
I’m driven to succeed,
To put an end to the strife.

Just when I think I’m getting close,
To seeing the puzzle as one,
More pieces fall to the floor,
I’ve barely even begun.

The puzzle will never be complete,
As long as I keep moving on,
I will keep adding pieces,
Until they are all gone.

I hope to one day see,
Where all of this may lead,
The Puzzle of Life,
A metaphor, indeed.

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