17 March 2009

I’m Sure Those Shots Had NOTHING To Do With It...

Holy Hell Batman, where do I even start?! I suppose I’ll just write in order of the weekend events. OK, so I left work early on Friday in preparation of our boarding trip with the work crew. It was nice to not have to feel rushed after work. We all went up and had a blast. Good times, as always.

We were all going to go back up on Saturday to SkiBowl as they were having the 80th Anniversary Celebration. Normally we get up early and hit the slopes for first tracks, but I boarded 4 times last week so I was looking to sleep in a bit before we went. Well, sleeping in a BIT, turned into getting up about 4 PM, so I obviously passed on going boarding on Saturday and concentrated my efforts on getting ready to go meet up with my Tasty Shortcake!

So, my darling Tasty Shortcake was one of the Original American Cowgirls with me and The Princess back in the day. She is in the Army Reserves and just got back from a 1 year tour of duty in Kosovo. She has been home on leave off and on for the past year, so you can imagine my relief of having her back home safe in the states. Anyway, we went to dinner at Paddy’s to catch up and then we decided to go to Bar 84 which is what used to be American Cowgirls. I had to take her there to catch up with Naughty & Nice and to see it since the name change. We drank, laughed, talked, danced, and had a BLAST! My TB showed up with some friends also so I felt complete! It was nice.

Then, with the help of liquid courage, (I’m sure those shots had NOTHING to do with it!) I did a very bad thing. Something I’m not proud of, nor can I take it back. I assume that I inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings; I haven’t talked to this person, as I just got wind of what happened yesterday. I had a bad case of laryngitis yesterday and stayed home from work because I couldn’t talk. A good friend of mine called to see how I was doing, as I was totally drunk texting him on Saturday night. Well, he informed me that one of those texts I sent was seen by someone who I care about and the subject matter was less than pleasing. I don’t know how to approach him about the subject. I don’t know if I should. All I know is it has left a bad taste in my mouth, I kept stressing about it all last night telling Roommate that I just felt icky. I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. This wasn’t something I did out of malice; it was something that I did out of stupidity and being drunk. That’s not an excuse and I know that. Unfortunately, I’m human and I make mistakes. All I can do is try to learn from them and move on.

I can’t take back what I did. I can’t undo it, even though I wish I could. It was honestly just bad judgment on my part and I am deeply sorry for my immaturity and actions that may have hurt someone I care about.

Now, I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know if I can make it better. An apology can’t take away the pain I inflicted, even if it wasn’t intentional. Even though I was drunk and talking out of my ass and probably wouldn’t have gone through with it anyway, that doesn’t excuse the fact that I was being selfish at the moment and NOT thinking about the repercussions of my actions, of hurting someone who has been there for me more so than almost anyone lately. Someone I care deeply about, and would NEVER intentionally do anything to hurt him. Maybe he’ll read this blog and it will help him to understand where I was coming from. If so, I am DEEPLY sorry, from the bottom of my heart and soul. I know that nothing I can do or say can undo the damage I’ve already done, but please do know that I apologize for being so selfish and not even thinking that something I did could affect others. I wish I could go back and NOT send that message…but I can’t. The anxiety this is causing me is horrible, I can’t help but dwell on things that bother me and keep playing them over and over in my head wishing I could make it better. But, I can’t. All I can hope is that this person accepts my apology and we can move on.

Again, I am sorry. I am not proud of my actions, nor was it easy to write about, but I had to. I had to write about it to help myself, and hope that you will read this. I didn’t contact you because I figured I’d let you come to me, who knows if you still even want to talk to me or hang out with me anymore. I can only hope that you do. If not, I wish you the best and hope that all your dreams come true in your lifetime. Should you read this and be able to be a bigger person than I probably am and actually forgive, but not forget…I am here if and when you would like to talk.



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